New title, probably same level of abandonment for the blog

I changed the title of this space to better reflect the reality that we have come a long way from where this family was in the summer of 2015, when I finally came to terms with the idea that I would be getting divorced. 

I wrote a post to the kids back in June of 2015 and reading it now, I see that some of it didn't work out the way that I hoped but most importantly, it worked out. More messy at times than I wanted, and more expensive, always. There was not as much working as a team as I envisoned, but the kids, Galaxy Girl, and I are now at the very back end of the seven and a half year period that started when I filed for divorce. There are only 6 weeks left before we age out of the Divorce Decree that, in one form or another, has framed much of our life since the Spring of 2015. 

Looking forward, it seems weird. And extremely exciting. 

Truthfully, because of  things that went down a couple of years ago, not that much will change. The oldest is off at college, 4 hours from home. He settled on his parent's alma mater. The youngest has lived with us full time for a couple of years and plans to stay here to attend Junior College, much like the Old Man's start into semi-adulthood.

Still, this is the last couple of months of needing to concern myself with responses from the other side of the table. From here on out, Galaxy Girl, the Kids, and I get to have the relationship we design and desire. In the last seven years, the four of us have all done the work to make sure that our relationships survive intact and that we are ready for this new, awesome stage to come. 

It’s been another few minutes

So, you were getting married to your best girl the other day, while finishing grad school and raising two high schoolers. Then, a couple of years went by without writing any of it down.

The highlights:

TheFamily is doing terrific.

MaxiMe graduates from high school in a few months. College is in the plan. WHERE is still to be decided. Dad is hoping for less than an hour away :)

The Artist now lives most of the time here, with Galaxy Girl and me. We changed the custody plan a while back and our extra time together is awesome. Still have a couple of years of high school before I need to start pushing nearby colleges on The Artist.

Galaxy Girl has grown into the role of stepMOM in a way that is astounding and at the same time, not very surprising. Caring for people is what we do around here. She was taking care of her tribe well before meeting any of us. We are just lucky that we get the lioness’ share of her efforts nowadays.

I finished grad school. I passed all of the certification tests. I’m licensed as a public school administrator but still working as a Special Education teacher until the right spot opens up in campus administration. Hoping that I’ll be working as a campus Assistant Principal in the next couple of years.

Until then, I’m preparing for a return to the campus where I did most of my years as a teacher. I’m currently teaching at a high school, but I’ll be back on a middle school campus soon. I didn’t completely realize how important my “home” campus was to me until I left there over the summer. An opportunity to return opened up, and I’ll be back there soon.

And now for the noteworthy lowlights:

Yeah, I got nothin’ worth mentioning.



Yep. I am a lucky Dad. Can confirm.

Big changes at school

I have worked with Special Education students in some way for over 30 years! That sounded really nuts the first time I said it out loud in a meeting this year.

I started showing an interest in my chosen field when I was IN middle school, and now I have spent almost 10 years teaching middle school special education. Even before entering the classroom as a teacher I was working with a similar group in a different setting.

After lots of soul searching and considering how to best move my career forward, I have made a monumental decision. I am leaving the special education classroom behind. At least for a while.

I have decided that I want to teach Social Studies or Language Arts classes on our 6th grade team next year. Because The Oldest and Youngest will both be at the High School next door, I have no interest in leaving my campus. I've been on staff here since 2010. Still, it is time for me to grow into a new role as a teacher.

Last week I was starting to change my mind. Even if my current job is crazy some days, there is comfort in knowing my role. Next year I'll be jumping into the classroom as a new teacher in a new subject. In a lot of ways, it will be like starting over.

I am looking forward to giving up a lot of the detailed paperwork that my current job requires. I won't be fooled into thinking there will be none in my new position, but it will be different paperwork.

There just is no other way to put it

I'm pissed.


Yes. I know I said at the outset of this neglected blog that everything is wide open and that will help keep me accountable any time I feel the desire to rant about my situation, or more specifically, about my ex wife. But it is time to get on a good rant. I imagine she has forgotten about this space. If not, then, OK.

Today there was a simple situation involving our youngest. She needed a ride home from school mid-day because she was feeling lousy. She had not slept well last night. It's allergy season. Whatchagunnado?

If you don't know, I work at the school where the youngest goes. Our school is right next to her big brother's school. The ex lives about a mile away from the schools, but she works about 45 minutes away. It has not been uncommon since we separated that I run the kids to her house. Permission slips left at mom's house? Forgotten lunch? Missing uniform pieces? Gotcha covered.

It gets a little more complex when the kid is sick and it the week their mom has custody. Then, I try to bring their mom up to speed and we generally make a decision about the kid staying at school or leaving early. This happens a few times a year. In similar situations I have always dropped the kid off at her house, made sure they are comfortable, and then gone back to school. I can make that round trip in 15 minutes or less. 

Today was different. I don't know if she was busy at work or whatever. That can be one of the upsides of  a finalized divorce. I don't want to/need to/have to know what happens in the daily happenings of her life. Regardless, the conversation went sideways as quickly as it started. I heard way more than  enough nastiness and venom in a few minutes.

Eventually, it was decided that The Girl needed to go home. At that point, I was still planning to do a favor and drop The Girl off.

The ex knows me well, including the best way to get under my skin. When it comes to our children,  my biggest pet peeve is when she continually refers to the kids as a singular responsibility. "My kids. My daughter. My son." It doesn't bother me when she is speaking to anyone else. But when she says those things to me, I am pretty sure there is nothing she could say that would be more demeaning to the amazing 8 year run we shared when I was a Stay at Home Dad or to the awesome relationship I continue to have with these wonderful teenagers.

I don't reciprocate. These are not "my kids" when I am speaking to their mother.

So, for the first time ever, after enough garbage being verbally hurled at me, I decided that she would have to deal with this situation like any other single parent. 'Yes, I am 15 feet from the kid. Yes, you are 45 minutes away. Yes, I did change my mind because I am really tired of your nastiness.You'll have to come get her."

The end result, the kid still got to her mom's house two hours early. I feel like apologizing a hundred times to The Girl for not dropping her off. I never want either kid to feel stuck in the middle. For the most part I have done a good job of mitigating that. Today, maybe not.

On the other hand, today I stood up for something right. I sent an inconvenient message that I am tired of the nastiness.

Fire! Fire! FIRE!

I've worked all summer, reinventing our backyard space.

About 15 years ago I started building a simple swing set. After years working in public parks and recreation, I knew just enough about playground design to waaay overbuild a backyard swing set. I wasn't satisfied with the swing hangars available at the local hardware warehouse store, so I ordered commercial swing hangars. They were sturdy. Ridiculously so. But 15 years swung by and they never wobbled or wore out.

The overbuilt swing set morphed into an overbuilt playscape. Each Father's Day, Christmas Day, Birthday, the kids, with a little help from their mom, I suspect, would give me accessories and material to add to the 'scape. Ours was a well used backyard playspace!

Continuing on with the overbuilding of the play space in the back yard, I added a pea gravel-filled fall zone around the swing set and climbing structures. I added a LOT of pea gravel. To paraphrase U2, 'Maybe, maybe too much pea gravel' It really was a lot of pea gravel. Literal tons.

Anyways, 15 years later.

The swings sat unused for 6 months. The climbing tower and slides were starting to lean to a worrisome degree. The space underneath, built out as The Princess' playhouse, was taken over by our flock of backyard hens as a favorite hangout spot on sunny days. It was obvious that it was time for the playscape to be retired when I found a crack in the main pressure treated support beam. A couple of hours with a reciprocating saw and the playscape was in pieces, stacked beside the house. Yes, I was crying while cutting it up. There were a lot of good memories in that wood pile.

I started moving the pea gravel out of the fall zone several months ago. Ten shovels full to a wheelbarrow full. A million wheelbarrows full to an empty playscape fall zone. This week I finally finished that lowly task. Now there is a giant bare patch of earth just waiting for topsoil and turf to be put in place this fall. Yeah, more wheelbarrow work and stooping!

I decided that the replacement for the childhood play space would be an outdoor area where teens might be enticed to hang out. As it turns out, my kids will fall for s'mores. Burned up marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate all smooshed together near a backyard fire pit. Last week Miss GG, the kids, and I lit the the fire pit for the first s'mores roast. The kids hung out long enough to eat. It ruled! I was a happy dad.

A couple of nights ago the Princess and I sat out by the fire pit for more than an hour; the s'mores were long gone. I heard her talk about everything and nothing. She told me about school and her friends and stuff. I sat. I listened. I loved every second of it.

I cannot be happier with the re-imagining of our backyard space. This fire pit is going to get a workout this fall!

Here we are, once more again. Redux Part IIi

So I've been thinking about blogging again.I have almost 1900 posts, going back close to 15 years over at https://athomedaddy.blogspot.com/.

Since I quit writing over there, I've dealt with a seemingly unending divorce process, I've fought to regain 50% custody of The Talker and The Princess, I've remodeled our house (partially. I have only worked on it for about 18 months :) , and I've  continued dating Miss GG. Actually, Miss GG and I have been engaged for a few months now.

The kids are still amazing and interesting and happy. It takes a lot of work, but that is one of the things that is most worth the effort in my world. After a year of a cluttered custody schedule that required several color coded spreadsheets and calendars to ALMOST keep straight, we were able to move to a much more kid-friendly 2 week rotation (one week at each house) a little more than a year ago. The new schedule is still working much better for everyone.

We are staring down a new school year! That is always a busy time around here. More so for the kids, since I am a teacher, they are busy with their own school and extracurricular activities, and their mom is a school employee, too. With all of that, The Talker and The Princess really do get a full Back to School experience every year.

School starts in 10 days. Summer 2018 starts in 185 school days. Who's counting? We are!!!

Tired

I've been fighting for a year and I'm tired of it. It has not been an easy year.

Some days I swear I am ready to just stop fighting and let the chips fall where they may. Other days, I feel like I must stand my ground or else the needs of my kids will get lost in the chaos of post divorce.

Recently I had to watch my kids leave an event with an acquaintance because it is their mom's night to have custody and she was working late. Instead of asking me to run the kids to her house afterwards, she asked a parent of friends of our kids. Maybe she had a good reason, maybe not.

I want to be able to withstand a slight like this without giving it a second though, but I'm not there yet. This time it tied me up in knots and I wanted to fight the meanness of this choice. Unfortunately I don't even know how to respond beyond reminding their mother that I am almost always available to help out the kids as I  emailed my disgust.  Doesn't seem to change anything, but maybe it will someday.

The kids are doing well, despite the background noise. The school year is winding down and we are all three exhausted. The time together this summer will be awesome and fun. It will be fun and happy.

I'm almost three months into a new relationship. It is comfortable, honest, generous, and NOT exhausting. That makes me happy.

Last week I decided to get back on the bike. My main bike has 5000 miles on it since 2012, so I decided to upgrade. A new road rocket is now parked in my living room. It makes me happy and tired.

Sometimes Normal is Really Odd

One of the hardest parts of getting divorced has been trying to get to agreement about how the kids time should be divided up. It's really import to get right because our kids are still young. We had to find something that worked for the next 7 years. Add to that the hard fact that I was trying to agree about important stuff with someone in whom I wasn't seeing any common ground anymore.

In the end we have a custody schedule that is highly customized for our situation. I end up with 50% of the kids time, but I get large chunks of time in the summer to make up for the little less than half I have the kids for overnights during the school year. Of course, I still see the kids every school day, since I teach at their school.

We are just finishing up a week of Spring Break from school. The kids will have been with me for 11 of 12 days when they return to school on Monday. This Dad is worn out! I'm ready for school to start back so that I can get some rest.

I have several friends who do the single parent job without shared custody. On parent duty 100% of the time. Kudos to them! They make it look easy and efficient. After 12 days I'll be ready for a couple of days off Dad duty and that feels really odd.

An update, the girlfriend and I have made a leap. It's the 2016 version of two high schoolers wearing swapped class rings. The relationship is now available as a status update on Facebook. Having that information out in public has been a little exciting and a lot surreal. It's all great, but it is one more huge experience that I never thought I would have.

Lots of great stuff, still loads of odd. Always interesting.

Surprising myself quickly

This year is supposed to be amazing. That's my plan and it's a very good plan.

And like the old joke, you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning, I'm trying to get an early start on a great year. I'm a 45 year old dude. Dad of two. Recently and quickly divorced. Still trying to figure out what the hell just happened and simultaneously looking forward to an amazing future.

I assumed early on that would be a 1/2 solo future for a long time.  The kids are with me half time, so I don't really expect anything a lot different at those times. But the other half. Six months ago that scared the shit out of me. I wasn't sure I could do alone.

A few months ago, when the kids were at their mom's house, I reflected and realized that I had a great life a year ago, had gone through some crap, and was looking right into a great future, even the solo time that I was learning how to use. It was an awesome moment that didn't last very long. I felt guilty for seeing something positive in the time without kids. I funked back up pretty quickly after that.

In November I tried to go on a date. She is a friend. It was a flop. My destiny was secured, I was set to be a bachelor once more. It was a cool future. A subscription to GQ may have been purchased. New cologne and clothes were bought. Shoes. Ridiculous shoes! I was going to look good as a solo dude. But it didn't stick. In December I tried dating again. Dating sucks.

In January I tried again (sucked) but I missed Valentine's Day and saved some bank. Dating is stupid anyways.

A few days later I was on another, very spontaneous first date. A follow up and lots more dates have followed. Dating is awesome!

I don't know the future. I don't know where this leads in a few months or a year. But I've decided that I don't want to be the next contestant on The Bachelor. After lots of long, deep discussions and hours of think time, I know this about myself - I like having people around me to care about. I also like having someone to laugh with and to make inappropriate jokes, usually at my expense. It suits me.

There is a lot to figure out. When to introduce kids, when to expose her to the family at-large. How to navigate the crap that drug down past relationships without making the same mistakes. This is really important stuff and not to be taken lightly. Evidently quickly may be acceptable.

I'm ok. I'm good alone. But right now I'm better with her. And I like that a lot.

Photo365 - Day 2

An ongoing series, photo-journaling my year 2016.

My current mantle pieces.  January 2016

Around here, a classical sail boat, or fancy antique clock would just not work as the focal point on our mantle. Instead, we have a flock of tin chickens. As I have settled into my new life as a single dad, it has been interesting to see how things have been divided up and what things were left behind.

These chickens, and a few others were all given to me by my former mother-in-law. Keeping them displayed seems to keep a tie to the former life, which is important for the kids.

Photo365 - Day 1 / Photo52 -Week 1

I've admired several people over the years who have successfully photo-journaled daily for an entire year or longer. With the new camera, I plan to try to at least post a new photo each week.


Here is #1

Big Bend National Park, Dec 2015.

For the most part I'll be trying to use photos that were taken within a few days of the post. To start off, I wanted to use this photo, from a recent solo backpacking trip I took while the kids were enjoying the Christmas Break from school at their mom's house.

I drove 2000 miles during my break, all but 200 solo. This photo was taken on my first night in Big Bend National Park. I was camping near Mule Ears Springs.

Thanks FoF for the heads up. My photo link wasn't working with effort 1.0

Picture this

I am thinking about trying a 52 week photo challenge, or even a 365 day, photo-a-day challenge to document the upcoming year. It will be interesting to look back in 2017 on how the children and I have grown and changed after a full year of this new life.

My parents have already let me have my Christmas gift, a new camera, an Olympus OMD E-M10. I was able to buy it locally with a 14-42 Olympus M.Zukio Digital 14-42mm (f 3.5-5.6II R) lens. I don't know what most of that means.

Here are a couple of my first shots.

The camera has an on board picture story mode. Our first Christmas tree in the new life.

The view from our backyard this morning, The moon is barely visible. 

My tri-color lanatas are starting to fade for the winter.

I have a ton to learn about this new camera and I'm excited to have some really good pictures of the kids.

Another one last time

Divorce is exactly opposite of the joy and great fun of a wedding celebration. It's a cold and unfeeling process. My lawyer warned me about this idea early on.

Part of the process I wish would end quickly, the endings.

It seems that I often need to do some thing one last time to move this divorce to a new, further state of completion. Today it was one last time to deal with the collected seasonal decorations and ornaments for a Christmas tree I evidently lost somewhere between the house being cleaned out and a judge's gavel. I was really interested to see and keep the ornaments and decorations the kids made when they were preschoolers. When it came time to start dividing up the collection, those are the things I chose.

Last week I bought a new artificial tree for our little house. One huge benefit of the past 6 months, our house is relatively uncluttered now. Imagine your living room. Now imagine someone removing half of your junk. Voila!

The tree I bought is about two or three feet shorter than it's predecessor and it fits in a spot that the larger never would. This new tree also fits with the uncluttered feel of this new life, but that may be due to the small number of ornaments the kids used to decorate the new tree. As quickly as I got home, I added the recollected treasures to our little tree. This is now the perfect Christmas Tree!

Still, it is sad to see a bunch of things that we collected together over half a life time strewn across a garage floor, waiting to be picked, one ornament at a time. It was like choosing up teams for the worst after school basketball game ever.

Really though, it was just one more last time to remind me of the way things once were and how they won't be again. Not even after the last, last time.This should be the last of the shared "stuff" to deal with. We still have to deal with 25 years of photographs and videos, but that is another issue, for another last time. Maybe that will be the end of it, too.

Thankful

I have a lot of reasons to be thankful.

The two biggest, and my favorite reasons for everything in my entire universe, Kid 1 and Kid 2. The Oldest and The Youngest. The Boy, The Girl. Whatever they are called, I am thankful every day that these two call me dad.

I have a wonderful life. I never would have imagined this life a year ago. And especially not two years ago. My first real clue that my marriage was on the rocks came about unexpectedly on Thanksgiving  night, 2013. It has taken me most of those two years to remember the many things that SHOULD make me grateful. Every. Single. Day.

I come from an amazing family. Siblings, parents, and all the extended family, these are good people who really rally when the chips are down. The past seven months have revealed this frequently. Every nasty surprise, every emotional roller ride, and every unexpected cash infusion. Lawyers can burn through some cash! My people have stuck by me. That is a lot of reasons to be thankful.

Maybe surprisingly, I am thankful for the past twenty years. It didn't end the way I expected, but the mother of my children and I were a good pair for a very long time. And we made amazing kids.

Add to that, I have an amazing job working with students I really like and a staff of coworkers who I love like family, and I am in the greatest teaching situation I could ever imagine. My coworkers have been through the daily wringer with me and they stood by me through the entire process. I am lucky to get to spend 8 10 hours a day with this crew.

This is not the life I planned for. This is not the life I wanted or expected. But THIS is the life I am grateful to enjoy with my family and friends. Without the craziness of the last 7 months, I might not have realized how many things lead me to be thankful.

The awkward level is permanently stuck on a lot

The new custody schedule is a work of calendaring voodoo that is not easily explained to anyone who holds less than a double Ph.D. in astrophysics and quantum scheduling. But I am fairly certain that this is the kids weekend at their mom's house.

I base my assumption this on the empirical evidence that there is no noise here other than Van Morrison shuffling through his entire catalog. Generally, the kids veto decent music in favor of crap some other noise. Also, the Xbox controllers have not moved in a few days. Weird.

Anyways, I am trying to figure all of this stuff out without setting off too many landmines, so after a pep talk from a friend, I decided to go to an event that The Oldest was involved in this morning. I hadn't been specifically invited, but it was a public event and The Oldest had mentioned it to me on Friday at school, which is just like an engraved and gold foiled invite in Middle School circles.

I don't know how soon it gets easier to be in the same space as my former spouse. I know it hasn't started getting easier yet. I went. I cheered on the kid. I hung out with The Youngest for a few minutes. It was nice. Kids are cool. Adults are awkward and odd.

This was a group of people I have known for almost 10 years. Some of them for 20. It was tough to stand aside and have no interaction with the crowd. Then I remembered, that reaction was one of the reasons I didn't want to carry on a relationship with this herd. When things got really tough and nasty last spring, these were not they friends that I needed, I found those at work and within my family. I have never been accused of being man of few words, so I don't really understand it, but a friend told me this summer that these people just didn't know what to say when times got tough.

Evidently they still don't.