This year is supposed to be amazing. That's my plan and it's a very good plan.
And like the old joke, you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning, I'm trying to get an early start on a great year. I'm a 45 year old dude. Dad of two. Recently and quickly divorced. Still trying to figure out what the hell just happened and simultaneously looking forward to an amazing future.
I assumed early on that would be a 1/2 solo future for a long time. The kids are with me half time, so I don't really expect anything a lot different at those times. But the other half. Six months ago that scared the shit out of me. I wasn't sure I could do alone.
A few months ago, when the kids were at their mom's house, I reflected and realized that I had a great life a year ago, had gone through some crap, and was looking right into a great future, even the solo time that I was learning how to use. It was an awesome moment that didn't last very long. I felt guilty for seeing something positive in the time without kids. I funked back up pretty quickly after that.
In November I tried to go on a date. She is a friend. It was a flop. My destiny was secured, I was set to be a bachelor once more. It was a cool future. A subscription to GQ may have been purchased. New cologne and clothes were bought. Shoes. Ridiculous shoes! I was going to look good as a solo dude. But it didn't stick. In December I tried dating again. Dating sucks.
In January I tried again (sucked) but I missed Valentine's Day and saved some bank. Dating is stupid anyways.
A few days later I was on another, very spontaneous first date. A follow up and lots more dates have followed. Dating is awesome!
I don't know the future. I don't know where this leads in a few months or a year. But I've decided that I don't want to be the next contestant on The Bachelor. After lots of long, deep discussions and hours of think time, I know this about myself - I like having people around me to care about. I also like having someone to laugh with and to make inappropriate jokes, usually at my expense. It suits me.
There is a lot to figure out. When to introduce kids, when to expose her to the family at-large. How to navigate the crap that drug down past relationships without making the same mistakes. This is really important stuff and not to be taken lightly. Evidently quickly may be acceptable.
I'm ok. I'm good alone. But right now I'm better with her. And I like that a lot.
I am very glad you are finding "happy" in your new normal.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot to offer - I am also glad to hear that dating is "awesome" (but, if anything were ever happen to The Mother of Five - I would be happily solo...)
Your story will likely be inspiring to at least one other fella who is just starting down the same (or similar) journey that you have navigated. I will share. He will appreciate.
I think it is good that you recognize that you are good alone. That was a struggle for me. I am still married, but in a LONG path to an eventual divorce that hasn't started yet (long, sad story). I am essentially alone, but not. It is hard to become OK being alone when you are stuck in between... but I think I am getting there. I am good alone. I am getting out more and doing the things I enjoy (hiking, camping, biking, geocaching... sometimes with my kids and sometimes alone).
ReplyDeleteIt will be another adjustment when it finally happens, but I think the investment in my own mental health now will pay off... pretty sure I'm going to be good alone.
Dating is not an option right now, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it. I have fought for my wife and marriage over 5 years and my heart is done. Even though I am good alone, I still think I would be better with the right "next person"... for many of the same reasons you listed. But, it is very scary. I thought I married the perfect woman and she has put happiness above commitment and betrayed me in a variety of ways. I have to wonder how I could have misjudged character so badly? I don't trust others, but I have a hard time trusting myself, also.
I have a son with disabilities for whom there is likely lifetime custody issues (and possibly support), so I do not have the luxury of seeing my kids reach adulthood and the official ties with an ex dissolved. I want to have someone "significant" around me to care about, but I sometimes wonder if I would be better off just putting the heart under lockdown and sticking with being good alone. time will tell.
Happiness and wisdom to you, Mike!