Tired

I've been fighting for a year and I'm tired of it. It has not been an easy year.

Some days I swear I am ready to just stop fighting and let the chips fall where they may. Other days, I feel like I must stand my ground or else the needs of my kids will get lost in the chaos of post divorce.

Recently I had to watch my kids leave an event with an acquaintance because it is their mom's night to have custody and she was working late. Instead of asking me to run the kids to her house afterwards, she asked a parent of friends of our kids. Maybe she had a good reason, maybe not.

I want to be able to withstand a slight like this without giving it a second though, but I'm not there yet. This time it tied me up in knots and I wanted to fight the meanness of this choice. Unfortunately I don't even know how to respond beyond reminding their mother that I am almost always available to help out the kids as I  emailed my disgust.  Doesn't seem to change anything, but maybe it will someday.

The kids are doing well, despite the background noise. The school year is winding down and we are all three exhausted. The time together this summer will be awesome and fun. It will be fun and happy.

I'm almost three months into a new relationship. It is comfortable, honest, generous, and NOT exhausting. That makes me happy.

Last week I decided to get back on the bike. My main bike has 5000 miles on it since 2012, so I decided to upgrade. A new road rocket is now parked in my living room. It makes me happy and tired.

Sometimes Normal is Really Odd

One of the hardest parts of getting divorced has been trying to get to agreement about how the kids time should be divided up. It's really import to get right because our kids are still young. We had to find something that worked for the next 7 years. Add to that the hard fact that I was trying to agree about important stuff with someone in whom I wasn't seeing any common ground anymore.

In the end we have a custody schedule that is highly customized for our situation. I end up with 50% of the kids time, but I get large chunks of time in the summer to make up for the little less than half I have the kids for overnights during the school year. Of course, I still see the kids every school day, since I teach at their school.

We are just finishing up a week of Spring Break from school. The kids will have been with me for 11 of 12 days when they return to school on Monday. This Dad is worn out! I'm ready for school to start back so that I can get some rest.

I have several friends who do the single parent job without shared custody. On parent duty 100% of the time. Kudos to them! They make it look easy and efficient. After 12 days I'll be ready for a couple of days off Dad duty and that feels really odd.

An update, the girlfriend and I have made a leap. It's the 2016 version of two high schoolers wearing swapped class rings. The relationship is now available as a status update on Facebook. Having that information out in public has been a little exciting and a lot surreal. It's all great, but it is one more huge experience that I never thought I would have.

Lots of great stuff, still loads of odd. Always interesting.

Surprising myself quickly

This year is supposed to be amazing. That's my plan and it's a very good plan.

And like the old joke, you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning, I'm trying to get an early start on a great year. I'm a 45 year old dude. Dad of two. Recently and quickly divorced. Still trying to figure out what the hell just happened and simultaneously looking forward to an amazing future.

I assumed early on that would be a 1/2 solo future for a long time.  The kids are with me half time, so I don't really expect anything a lot different at those times. But the other half. Six months ago that scared the shit out of me. I wasn't sure I could do alone.

A few months ago, when the kids were at their mom's house, I reflected and realized that I had a great life a year ago, had gone through some crap, and was looking right into a great future, even the solo time that I was learning how to use. It was an awesome moment that didn't last very long. I felt guilty for seeing something positive in the time without kids. I funked back up pretty quickly after that.

In November I tried to go on a date. She is a friend. It was a flop. My destiny was secured, I was set to be a bachelor once more. It was a cool future. A subscription to GQ may have been purchased. New cologne and clothes were bought. Shoes. Ridiculous shoes! I was going to look good as a solo dude. But it didn't stick. In December I tried dating again. Dating sucks.

In January I tried again (sucked) but I missed Valentine's Day and saved some bank. Dating is stupid anyways.

A few days later I was on another, very spontaneous first date. A follow up and lots more dates have followed. Dating is awesome!

I don't know the future. I don't know where this leads in a few months or a year. But I've decided that I don't want to be the next contestant on The Bachelor. After lots of long, deep discussions and hours of think time, I know this about myself - I like having people around me to care about. I also like having someone to laugh with and to make inappropriate jokes, usually at my expense. It suits me.

There is a lot to figure out. When to introduce kids, when to expose her to the family at-large. How to navigate the crap that drug down past relationships without making the same mistakes. This is really important stuff and not to be taken lightly. Evidently quickly may be acceptable.

I'm ok. I'm good alone. But right now I'm better with her. And I like that a lot.

Surreal moment #gawdonlyknows of #toodangmany

That little black car in traffic? I spotted it in front of me while driving home from work. Inside of that car, my kids riding with their mom somewhere. 

Dinner? Errands? Who knows. 

Weird. 

Finishing the new beginning

As of three days ago, my divorce is totally finalized. It's an odd feeling. Celebrating the end of a lot of hard times during the divorce process and also wondering 'what-ifs' by the dozen. 

Wondering

So my therapist told me told she was done seeing me and that my head and heart are both back on the right track.

Driving home from there I started wondering. What does a therapist say when she blows off a hopeless case?

Photo365 - Day 2

An ongoing series, photo-journaling my year 2016.

My current mantle pieces.  January 2016

Around here, a classical sail boat, or fancy antique clock would just not work as the focal point on our mantle. Instead, we have a flock of tin chickens. As I have settled into my new life as a single dad, it has been interesting to see how things have been divided up and what things were left behind.

These chickens, and a few others were all given to me by my former mother-in-law. Keeping them displayed seems to keep a tie to the former life, which is important for the kids.

Photo365 - Day 1 / Photo52 -Week 1

I've admired several people over the years who have successfully photo-journaled daily for an entire year or longer. With the new camera, I plan to try to at least post a new photo each week.


Here is #1

Big Bend National Park, Dec 2015.

For the most part I'll be trying to use photos that were taken within a few days of the post. To start off, I wanted to use this photo, from a recent solo backpacking trip I took while the kids were enjoying the Christmas Break from school at their mom's house.

I drove 2000 miles during my break, all but 200 solo. This photo was taken on my first night in Big Bend National Park. I was camping near Mule Ears Springs.

Thanks FoF for the heads up. My photo link wasn't working with effort 1.0