I started out this divorce thing with my usual stress responses.
I talked it out. God, I am so sorry to my family and everyone else who had to listen to me ramble in the first couple of months...
I tried to find other stuff to think about. OK, not all of my ideas worked.
I bought stuff to support the old (and new) hobbies. Sorry mom. There were multiple trips to the bike shop and the running store.
After a while I started realizing some new responses had crept in.
Evidently I am now a runner. On purpose. In my business, the rule is if you see Mike running, go the other way...
When my double decade worth of digital music disappeared into a moving van, I started listening to different music. And I started making use of the local music scene in town. Happy Birthday to Myself concert tix anyone?
But most surprising/not surprising to me, weight loss. When I get stressed I quit eating. Then I feel awful and I have horrible headaches. So that didn't surprise me in the early summer. What did surprise me? The way that I got my head together(ish) at the end of the summer and then I started eating healthier.
The extra 25 pounds I have carried for 13 years melted off with a better diet and increased exercise. I was eating better and finally seeing results. I have always been active. Again, sorry Mom... but this fall I was able to meet a goal I had long given up.
I am sitting at a weight I have not seen in at least 15 years. I feel better than I have in twenty and I just got home from running the first timed road race of my life - and I beat my pre-race goal by almost 4 minutes.
It is true, I have a long way to go before this divorce thing is behind me and I am ready to completely move forward. But at this rate, there is a whole lot less of me to drag into my future.
way to focus on the positive . .it is so easy to lose ourselves sometimes . .but the journey when you find yourself again is always a fun trip!
ReplyDeleteFrom one who has been divorced for over a decade now - one day you'll "look back" and say my ENTIRE life is AWESOME!!!! This past weekend proved that for me, I was IN the moment more than I have been in YEARS; not because I've carried so much "baggage" but because I finally stopped long enough to look around and SEE everything I have been working so hard to accomplish. It's a long road darlin' but so far - you're years ahead of where I was back in "your shoes". :) :)
ReplyDeleteMike--
ReplyDeleteI have spent hours bending the ear of our mutual friend, Father of Five, about this subject, and he had mentioned your divorce a few times. I'm sorry. It sucks.
I'm in a similar situation, but a little different. My wife told me she wanted a divorce in 2010, but we are still in a very loveless marriage. Because we have 4 children and I am the only struggling wage-earner, a divorce was not feasible. In 2010, she proposed that we stay together a few years until she "gets her ducks in a row", as she put it... meaning find a means of supporting herself other than the hefty support I'll likely be expected to pay. A few years has now turned into 5+ and her "ducks" are still not lined up. She is now in nursing school, and plans to leave me when she finishes in fall 2017. Since 2010, I have tried everything possible to fix my part of the marital decline, but she wants no part of it. She has made other very bad decisions that I won't enumerate here, for which she is unrepentant and thumbed her nose at my offer of potential forgiveness. Many of my friends scratch their heads and wonder why I am still with her. The answer is two-fold. One, I still get to see my kids everyday. Two, I still have a place to live that is not my parent's house... which is likely the only place I will be able to afford to live after paying the child and spousal support bill for 4 children and a stay at home mom of 15 years. My hope is that by staying until she is educated and able to support herself, my support bills will be light enough that I may be able to afford some semblance of a life. But with my state's disdain for men, it's a gamble I may very well lose. So, similar to you, my life is being turned upside down by a divorce that I didn't ask for and never wanted. I still don't, really, but that is more about wanting my family intact... it's not much about love anymore. My divorce is almost certain and inevitable. Since it is, a part of me would rather be in your shoes and have it settled rather than waking up everyday and looking down the barrel of the gun of impending divorce and the uncertainty that goes with it. That may sound odd, and I don't mean to sound insensitive, but sometimes I wanna say, "let's get it over with, already!"... then I picture my childhood room at my parent's house and grit my teeth and tough it out some more.
I know blogs are only what we choose to write, and that tends to be the better side of things. But, it sounds like you've landed on your feet. I wish you well, and I'm sorry for this hell called divorce.
Jeff-- Backside of Forty
I am saddened to see two good friends - each at one end of this struggle.
DeleteYou both have been, and will continue to be in my prayers.
Jeff, sorry to read this, man. I hate to know that anyone else is in this boat with me.
DeleteI started out wanting things to move through this process very slowly. In the end, my divorce moved real quick, from late may to mid October. Still, that time seemed to drag on forever some days.
Now that the process is done, I am glad that it did not take the year or more that I originally hoped for.